ASCENSION FIELD NOTES – MANIFESTATION MEMO 1-29-14
Author’s note: I was going to call this thing “Manifestation Manifesto,” but that seemed a little high-and-mighty. Just did the spell check… hope it doesn’t suck.
This has been an odd time for me. I feel like I’m finally off the platform, and glad of it, thinking back on my months waiting on that platform, thinking on how exquisitely painful it was at the time, but now, looking on it from this new side, it was just a platform, it was just waiting,and it’s hard to know why I got my undies in a bunch so much, about all of it, the waiting, the platform, wondering what comes next, while all the while knowing.
So now, I feel like I am in a train car, but the train isn’t moving yet. I know that sometimes you can be moving, while on a train, but have the feeling of steadiness, so I look out the window from time to time, and there’s the platform, empty now, clean, like it was never used.
In this scene, I waited with some people, but through all the months of waiting, we only struck up small conversations. Enough for me to know we were all pretty much doing the same thing, but no real depth.
And now, on this train, in this car, I don’t see any of those folks. I am alone in this car. Early on, I had a vision of being on a train, and I’m in a car where everyone speaks a foreign language. And I have some choices. Be perpetually mad that no one understands me, that’s one choice. Another would be to learn their language. Another would be to come up with a new language when we are together. It was all metaphor for fitting in, for figuring out a way to travel when I can see I can’t be understood, through no fault of anyone’s.
You see, I have had a chance to reminisce recently. It was two years ago on the 25th that I walked away from an insanely lucrative job, having found myself yet again with a target on my back.
In two years’ time, I found myself thinking, on my anniversary. Two years. What is different for me than two years ago?
Well, I guess what I am noticing the most right now is what came up in that train imagery. I realized in the last few days that the very biggest change has been one of being able to like people more.
I mean, it boils down to very few things, in the end. I have realized, at work, recently, that I was, for the most part, a highly judgmental and angry person. No one ever satisfied me, not intellectually, not emotionally, not soulically, and rarely socially. And when I looked into people’s eyes, what I saw was often a threat, or a cry, or a scream, but it was rarely someone who loved freely, who was peering at me. And I found it curious, that I could put up with so much, I just let people do what they are going to do, really, that, in the end, toward the end of it all, before the lights came up, I had gotten to the point where I really found very little good in anyone around me. I told myself awful things about people, and while I’m sure they might have been accurate, from time to time, that’s really not the point. I looked upon everything with unloving eyes. I had been hurt. I was tired. I was disappointed, so very disappointed, and had become, I think, a bit of a pessimistic misanthrope.
So the biggest change, for me, the thing that just fires me up and makes me happiest, is that I can now look on anyone, and I mean anyone, and find their creator. I can see their frailties, the things they are most afraid of, and I can feel their integrity, somehow, and I feel awe, real awe, for people, anymore.
Now, I used to feel this, I am sure, but I think we are conditioned to think the only appropriate time and place to feel this is with a lover, privately, this sort of intimacy, but, no, I feel a bond with the people I have met, even those who I may never see again. I kept seeing, again and again, at work, how everything can look miniscule, or threatening, or innocent, and it’s really all just a matter of perspective. I enjoyed watching this, in many different settings, this theme of perspective, play out. I saw it being done by folks who would never, probably, give a thought to these esoterics which fascinate me, but they are playing out the themes of their lives, the themes of their hearts, their imaginings of who they are in this moment.
Now, these are deep thoughts to have, I guess, while passing pills, or eating boiled-til-it’s-mushy zucchini, but they were comforting, these thoughts. They helped me to remember that everyone who approached me, everyone I approached, was somebody’s loved one, someone’s kid, someone’s mate, someone’s parent. It was fun. It made everything breathe easier. There was humor, there was a lot of walking around letting people off their hooks, the hooks of worry and anxiety, “There’s nothing here to be upset about. Nothing here to get angry about. Everything’s fixable. No one is trying to do the job wrong. Let’s figure this out.” Lots of that.
So, the biggest change, I would say, is this interpersonal one, the one which allows me to see people not as the enemy, but as friend. That really does not mean I am some Pollyanna fruitcake out in la-la land, unable to focus. No. Quite the opposite. I am a quick study, highly intuitive, focused, driven, as task oriented as you please, the one so many delegate to since they know I’ll take it seriously, and then they take all the credit. That happens to me a lot. Happened last time I worked. But really, here’s the thing. I’ve found most bosses delegate and refuse to get their hands dirty because they are afraid of it, because it turns out, they are just not that good at it. And that fear of doing it wrong, or badly, stops a lot of people, it stops managers from diving in. They don’t want anyone to see they might not be up to scratch. And, really, that’s ok. I see it as a sign of weakness and cowardice, but that tells me this is someone who feels insecure, someone who has little confidence, probably easily bullied, someone with a temper, a sad=sack, a victim, and who knows better than me what it feels like to be bullied. I know all about it. So I tried to show her ways she can stand up to her bullies, as the day progressed, did that too. I just saw things differently, and even when I was rightfully madder than a wet hen, some cool, calm voice came and talked me out of my crazy.
Some cool, calm voice explained to me that here I am, already being leaned on. See this. Pay attention. Look at the dynamics, look at this group. See what is really going on, and be people’s friend. See people as trying to feel intact, prone to feeling picked on. Try that. And then the calm would come, and the smile too, and I felt so much better, so much brighter.
The past two years have taught me my own energetic signature, as promised, it was delivered, and it was no small task. I had a lot to overcome, psyche-wise, but who of us hasn’t? When you go around questioning things, feeling nit right, and for awhile, for me, all I did was feel angry, well, anymore, I give the more temper=prone among us a lot more empathy, and have stopped painting them as the devil out to rock my boat. I remember being that mad. I still get that mad sometimes, but never for long. The voices come to me now, and they soothe me, and put me straight, now.
I see the last two years as a block, you see, and that is I guess why I used the platform metaphor. I feel like I have accomplished my job, these last two years, done the waking up, the living by the skin of my teeth, hippie thing, writing, working whenever, just letting go, knowing something good is waiting for me on the other side of whatever the hell this turns out to be.
And now, whatever the hell that was has changed, I feel like I’ve been spat out of one of those car washes, all the strum and drang appears to be over, and I am clean, clean, clean. I’m thinking, to always tilt in the direction of benevolence, that whatever is in front of me is a benevolent thing, that helps.
And so, I want to talk about The Secret, and some of what is channeled by people, and what a lot of new age people earn dividends on teaching, this concept of manifestation, getting what you want, all that crap.
I think we have the manifestation thing all wrong, as a group. There’s this idea that if you visualize it, and then put up posters or whatever, that it’ll come to you. Now, this is simple physics, and not at all hard to do. And, as my friend Diane says, it’s all the same thing anyway, so if you want the perfect seats, ask for them, see them. Sure, visualizing is important, don’t get me wrong, and Diane is a master manifestor, truly artful, but, it goes far deeper than this.
I mean, as Richard Bach describes, you can think of a blue feather, really concentrate on it, feel it, smell it, in your mind, and then, you let it go. And it will come to you. It has to. You created it. It has meaning for you.
But, then, there’s all this gunk that gets added to the top of manifesting, weighing it down, rule bound, ritualized, in its thinking and its practice.
You see, I have always had this split life. I have always known myself to be something I am not. I am a practicing nurse. But I know myself as a bestselling author, a scholar, someone well respected in a community of thinkers, scholars, seers, visionaries, seekers, people who are old, wise, grounded. That who I have always been inside. And on the outside, I am something completely different. And I have had to find a way to merge the two, or at least let them get along instead of snipe at one another, or try to kill each other.
And, on January 25, 2012, I allowed that writer part of me sort of take the helm. I let myself write, found I had no recourse but to write, and found immediate and profoundly positive changes to my quality of life when I continued. And so, I did. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. And the happiest I have ever been was when I was writing fiction, caught up in it, hearing conversations, seeing whole scenes play out. What a gift that was!
And so, then I hear about manifesting what you want, and how to do it, and all this stuff, and I thought, for a really really long time, well, the reason I don’t have what I know to be my birthright is because there is something terribly wrong with me. So I worked on that, and fixed that. Then it was, well, the reason I am not self actualized is because of my family dynamics. So I delved into it, and fixed that. Big changes, great changes, all good, in these areas. Then, I decided it was because I wasn’t somehow soulically good enough. So I delved into that and set myself straight on that account. And so, this idea that we can get what we want, I like it, because it involved, for me, some strenuous spiritual weight lifting.
Still, I have not what I feel I deserve, a lifestyle beneath my magnificence, shall we say, and I like this thinking a lot. It takes it out of the realm of shadow theater, hooking into the socio-political logjams of consciousness, the bizarre long con called our economic system, just unplugs the angst brought up regarding income inequality, and just elevates things a bit, to a place where there are very good reasons why I deserve more stability. That has been my prayer, for my personal new year. Stability. An eight year for me personally, I want to really get to know responsible manifestation, responsible reality construction, conscious co-creation.
So, to an untrained eye, my continued lack of funds, continued underemployment, I’m not noticing it very much. I have what I need, and although there are many things I need which I cannot afford, what I have here with me brings me joy, and there’s more to come. This isn’t forever. It just can’t be.
Manifesting, I was taught, is about conjuring up the experience, everything about it, every sense, but more, a sense within your body, of how it would FEEL what what you’d be thinking, in your heart of hearts, if this great thing were to pass. How does it FEEL to BE in that hot tub? Are you happy? Are the stars out? How does your body feel, getting pounded by those jets? How does it feel to be in front of a classroom, teaching? What are you wearing? What does it smell like? Is it night or day> Who are these people.
Dive in, all the way.
And if it feels vibrationally complete, really really good, then, sort of fill up on it, and then, realize it must now come into being by being released. Holding onto it will tether it to you and make it go small. Let it go.
And then, you walk the void. That space between conception and birth. And that walk could be twenty years. It could be twenty minutes. That is up to many, many things, some of which, in retrospect, you will be the most thankful for. So let it come when it comes.
I was taught, at this point, to think on the whole thing lovingly, this excursion into probability, and say, like a mother, like a kid, “That or something better.” And you let it go.
I was taught to use the meditation, that seed meditation, to gain strength and inspiration, to grant it validity, sometimes, to find and hold one’s true north, but to always let it go. Walking with it daily is a great burden, and remember, the tether. Show your courage! Show our faith! Stand and walk as if it is already here. Act and conduct yourself as someone whose deepest desires have already come true, all of them. Live from there emotionally, and don’t get too tripped up on the details, like not having what you want.
Now, this can be a very weird place to hang out, and I don’t do it a lot. I allow myself the luxury before bed, usually. I try to reserve the daytime to getting things done, as much as I can, and taking these voices-in-my-head excursions. And night, I allow myself to imagine that every single problem I have, have ever had, is solved. Complete. The puzzles, done and lacquered. The financial woes, fixed, no debt, no worries, income stream assured, for life. I know this is my natural state, where I belong, where I am headed. And at night, I can play in that garden. I allow myself this luxury when I am driving too. I enjoy long car rides. I can pretend longer. But, of course, it is not pretending. It is dwelling within and calling to me a vibrational level I enjoy, thoughts and experiences I have enjoyed and will enjoy again.
I don’t know how. And this was always where I missed a step with The Teachers, where they would always need to reign me in a bit. I wanted to know the HOW. I wanted everything. Tell me the how. And they would smile, they would shake their head and say, “The how is up to us, not you.” And it felt like a big hug back then. It really did.
I am beginning to see how this part of it works, and like that the weave that connects us all during the day is the same weave that connects us always, and at night, many of us are working together in surprising ways, setting things up for the following experience, that sort of thing. So, this means, nothing really happens to me without my permission, and some permissions are deeper and more move-the-story-along than others. Maybe the idea is to be as attuned as we can be to this pipeline home, where we are all connected, and just sort of hang there, even during conversations and arguments, even.
So no, when I think that the “hows” really don’t have to be known by me, I still have to work out a bit of dread, because I really don’t know how some of this stuff is going to be done, given how things currently are, and that’s what I have found has been the final act, the thing that propelled me from the platform into this car. Just really being ok with everything, just the way it is, remembering in real time, and not in the throes of depression in three days, that I, this consciousness, the one blended and able to say “I,”, I can change anything at all about this, but some things are the way they are because they need to be that way. So just let things ride, but do one new thing a day. Start mixing it up. One new thing a day. And one thing that just thoroughly pleases and/or delights you. Can be anything. Try those two things. Everything is just fine, everything is in order, fear not.
That’s another one of those voices, and it happens now, as soon as the thought is thought which leads to a sense of dissonance or despair or fear. Just a little voice, a thought, really, but it has a bit of an insertive quality, if I’m not too jangly, and I then feel soothed. More able to cope well with whatever is going on. Reset, I guess.
I have tried vision boards at various times of my life, and being a visual person, seeing things I love sets up nice feelings, but I guess my rant about how it is taught is that focusing on that just isn’t enough, and this is being spoken to someone with very good manifestation skills. I consider all of it quite purposeful, even the tougher things, and, looking back on all of it, I find it to be elegant, lyrical, poignant, dramatic, a little maudlin, and purposeful. So why not this? Why not this stretch too? So, if you aren’t getting what you want, what you believe you deserve, consider yourself on the platform, or in a train car on a train that hasn’t started moving quite yet. Maybe it’s not because of your shortcomings, or those of your family, or your socioeconomic status, but just because that’s how you’ve written your story so far. And there are whole chapters people just sort of yawn through, and that’s fine, so maybe it’s no one’s fault, least of all God’s, that you don’t have what you want.
They say that because the universe is so literal, if you declare what you want, you will get it. But, it’s not quite that simple, is it? To be a master manifestor, there comes an ownership, maybe of your own signature, your energetic signature, made manifest, in your body. And knowing that which you are, and that which you come from, how can there be a quarrel, really, with what is in or out of your daily life? Hasn’t Mother herself taught you that what is needed is always provided,and sometimes the unexpected happens, because you are not alone in this. This is a group production, as well as a highly individual one. It’s ok to sense the connection, and to let things happen as they will, acting from the highest awareness as I can, at any given time, as lovingly and nicely as I can.
It, for me, is no longer time to call out nonsense. I was all for it, for a long time, a militant for a new way, fully convinced that everyone’s duty was to wake up, already. I felt impatience with weakness of character, and I felt disappointed and profoundly fatigued a lot of the time. I resented stupidity, redundancy, invasive behavior, and was sort of a prickly pear. But I have found a different way, these last two years, the thing that has changed the most. I can look at even the most foul person with softer eyes. I can like the person without digging the behavior, and I find that I can sometimes quiet things down, and sometimes that’s with asking the simplest of questions. I like the people I see, and they seem to like me. There is nothing here not to like. And I mean no harm. I used to think that “harmless,” was a great title to have. Harmless. For all my bluster and blow, and I really can decimate someone in conversation, not a great trait, but there it is, I am harmless. I might have to snap a nose a time or two just to get their attention, but never without cause, only when necessary. I’m more of a live and let live person, not quick to jump to conclusions, not quick to judge. Isn’t that funny?
Some of this stuff feels like new upgrades, to be frank. I am grateful for these calming thoughts, when they come. I have learned to trust them, and the feelings they invoke. It makes the most difficult day pleasant, enjoyable, to walk around feeling free.
So, the process which ensued, on that cold day two years ago, has changed me while allowing the me that was always there to finally sort of unfurl, relax on the easy chair, get used to the place. So, although I am sure there are passengers on the car I find myself in, and I am looking forward to talking with them, I’m just now sensing movement, and I’m hoping it’s not a false alarm. I’ve had short trips, false alarms, but somehow this is different. Somehow this feels real, the other times I knew were rehearsal. This feels real.
I’m not sure how much I like the train metaphor, because it lends a sort of trapped movement to something I feel is limitless, but what Kryon says about trains and tracks comes into view now, to close. He says, we jumped tracks awhile back, time sped up, but everything being relative, and you being in a train car and all, most everybody didn’t notice. But the train jumped tracks, is on a different line, time line, so to speak, now than before the Harmonic Convergence.
They also say that if you want to change your track, consider it on an inverted mobius diagram, where the outer strip will get pulled through to become the inner strip, the inner becoming the outer. And this strip of track can be colored any color at all. And once the new paint is layed down, the whole track is changed, and you will see things come around again and again, new things, just as before, old things presented again and again, being on this strip. So lay down a new color, a new vibration, a new standard, a new tone. And then, everything will respond.
That’s a far cry from a dream board. And I have nothing against visual cues, I really really don’t, I use them, but there needs to, for maximum effectiveness, be something behind it, something core, and real, and loving, and then, from there, what gets manifested will be from that core. It may not look like the vision board stuff, see? Those are symbols holding the feeling. In three dee land, the symbology will be richer, in real time. Expect the unexpected, right?
So, this to me, gets to the heart of manifestation. Because, acting as if, that is nice to do, and when I am doing it with spiritual things, it works better than with material things. I don’t sweat the material as much as I did, but poverty is a grind. Acting as if I can see the good in situations, acting as if I have limitless recognition and brotherhood with others, that I can manage. Holding onto a delusion about how much money is in my wallet, that’s just harder for me. So, I unplug at night and in my car. The weight lifts, and I am free, thinking materially. But I can be free anywhere, now, not that a couple years have passed and I can see people more sweetly, no longer a threat to me, perhaps conniving, perhaps honest, don’t know, that’s on them, but here I am, at your service, happy to help, and completely harmless.
And for once, aren’t you finding, that this is seen as a good trait? I like liking people. Two years ago, this was nearly impossible, for me to like people, all people, in general, specific people in particular. I balked at everything, I had a bad attitude, and was sad and tense. A lot has changed in two years. It’s more than I’d hoped for.